THE BIG BANG
Following local news that an illicit drug ‘laboratory’ had been detected and raided by local police my interest in details turned to play. My friend’s eleven year old son was relaying the school-yard gossip on the subject. Some of it seemed a bit off-beam. The manner in which I humoured him on some of the details led him to suggest that since these drugs were so bad why didn’t God simply “blow up” the house involved.
Though he came from a family with a philosophy that I knew didn’t explore the subject of God I was surprised by John’s naiveté. His comment prompted me to push the response to its absurdity . . .
“Heavywart police today cordoned off a large area of the township adjacent to the far-flung, blackened remains of a building now known to have been utilized as a ‘laboratory’ for the synthesis of amphetamines. Some of the chemicals used in the manufacture of the illegal drug, know as ‘speed’ to its users, are highly volatile but it is not believed that the explosion that rocked the town was purely as a result of accident. Neighbours reported to forensic experts, gathering at the scene, that a tall, bearded, old gentleman in glowing robes was observed descending, somewhat in the motion of a large autumn leaf. He was seen to come to a halt some ten odd metres above the forementioned dwelling and appeared to ponder the seemingly innocent abode, holding his chin with one hand and reaching into one of the numerous folds of his luminous apparel with the other.
The few onlookers, aware of the arial apparition were astounded when, in an abrupt and decisive move the floating figure flung forth both hands and sprayed the building below with a mighty electrical discharge.
Both the tranquil building below and the heavenly visitor were replaced by a percussive blast as a ball of flame broke from the structure’s confines and sent fiery fragments of its former container in a thousand different directions.
Detectives who interviewed the witnesses believe they have a good lead on the identity of the culprit. ‘Identikit’ pictures constructed from the details supplied by these eyewitnesses were promptly circulated amongst local clergy, who admit that the description and constructed image match that of the entity commonly known under the alias God”!
Police are appealing to the public not to approach the suspect if they should witness his presence again.
The suspect was last seen rocketing skywards and a contingent of police, including members of the Armed Offenders Squad, are now in hot pursuit! I will now pass you over to our correspondent, Jack Fivesythe, (formerly of the fruit and vegetable market)”.
Thanks Stan. Well, even as I speak, I can just see the first, faint twinkles of the “Pearly Gates” as we zoom closer to the alleged hideout of the Indivisible going under the name God.
The situation aboard the police shuttle is a tense one as the men involved psyche themselves up for what many anticipate as a protracted and deadly showdown. The last cigarettes are being dragged to a premature end and the incandescent butts being dropped and ground under their heavy footwear as they go through last minute checks of their armaments and fly zips.
The remaining distance is closing fast, we should soon be within shouting dista………”
“I’M SORRY. YOU’LL JUST HAVE TO TURN AROUND AND HEAD BACK DOWN! WE DON’T OFFER GROUP CONCESSIONS!”
“What a voice! May be he has a megaphone. I think that must be one of God’s cohorts, a fellow by the name of Peter, I think. I can just . . .”,
“YOU’LL HAVE TO HEAD BACK DOWN I’M AFRAID. YOU’RE ALL A LITTLE PREMATURE, ‘JUMPING THE GUN’ AS WE CALL IT AND SOME OF YOU A LITTLE PRESUMPTUOUS. THIS PLACE ISN’T OPEN TO ALL-COMERS, YOU KNOW. ANYONE WHO IS IN A HURRY SHOULD INTRODUCE THEMSELVES TO THAT CHARRED ENTITY SMELLING OF SULPHUR OVER THERE!”
“Over? Oh, there. Hmm, shifty looking character. Oh, I’m sorry listeners, I got a bit distracted there for a moment.
Now I have it on good authority from one of the more spiritually inclined, amongst the force here, that that person with the loud-haler is indeed Saint Peter. He apparently has some sort of job here that keeps him within constant earshot of the, ah,. . . well these enormous yes, pearly gates. Very magnificent they are too!. Must be worth a fortune! And the character he was earlier alluding to, the sulphurous one with the unsavory appearance is someone again with a few alias’ it would seem . . . Satan, Bezelbub, Lucifer take your pick. I see that he has sidled up to the police commander, having a word in his ear. I’ll try and get this directional microphone a little closer!”
“. . .Agh, you don’t want to take much heed of what those blighters tell you. They think they’re so high and mighty. He makes out he’s the author of creation, the force that brought all things into being . . .haa, fairy tales! Does bugger all but cast aspersions about my pedigree and good intentions. Leaves me wondering about the bloody void while him and his precious goody-goods live it up in there! Makes me sick.
You don’t want to listen to their creationist garbage. It’s like I’ve been trying to convince you people and your scientists all these generations it was nothing but a big bang”.
“That’s what we’ve been told. That’s why we’re here now, as a matter of fact. I don’t mean the original bang, I mean the one in Heavywart. Though we might be able to pin that one on him more easily if we can ascertain that he was responsible for the original big bang as well”.
“Orh, um, tricky one that. I don’t think it would pay to rake up the notion of God’s involvement in the ‘big bang’. If you get my drift. It sort of, undermines the foundations of science”.
“You might be right but I’m going to have to ask you and your gathering clan of henchmen. Who are they anyway?”
“Just some of my fallen angels!”
“Well you’ll all have to get well back, way out of here. This is a police operation. We can’t have members of the public getting in our way and putting themselves and our operation in jeopardy”.
“This is Jack Fivesythe again folks. The police commander is gathering his men around him and obviously giving them a rundown on preferred tactics in this, admittedly unusual situation.
While this is in progress I’ll just see if I can manage to gain a word or two with His Excrement, Master of the Abyss, Confounder and Perpetrator of Delusion, Satan himself.
Ah excuse me Your Excrement. I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation with the commander”.
“I saw you waving that damned microphone in our direction!”
“I was wondering if you could shed a little light . . .”
“Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha . . .!”
“I was wondering whether you know much about what’s likely to happen here. Do you have any aspirations about the outcome?”
“Well, naturally I’d like to see justice prevail. Some of my earthy acquaintances were involved in a project that amounted to an extension of the boundaries of the free-market initiative and this spanner-in-the-works’ sabotages the enterprise in an act of unbridled envy. I’ve got Hells Angels, defendants of depravity and apprentice demons worldwide, hanging out for amphetamines. The market’s there, the distributions in place and the products blown sky high!”
“We understand that the price is too”.
“You can’t blame me for that. If I had my way it would be prescribed and paid for out of taxes. It’s illegality is a travesty of the free-market system. I’ve got better things to do than keep rebuilding the forces of darkness! Why, only last century I……”
“I’m sorry we’ll have to leave you there. I think the common . . .”
“OKAY GOD, WE’VE GOT HEAVEN SURROUNDED! YOU MIGHT AS WELL COME OUT QUIETLY AND ACCOMPANY US TO THE POLICE STATION!”
“HAH! YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE” . . .”TAKE THAT!”
“Z R O I N G G G G G!”
“Wow! Are you all right up there Jack?”
“Yes! Thanks Stan. We’re all a bit shaken, but otherwise okay. There was the most awesome ‘belch’ of divine electrical discharge. Many of us are now standing only in our singed underwear, so I’m glad this broadcast isn’t being televised, though we understand the major networks have crews hastening in this direction!
For a moment we had a glimpse of the suspect standing high on the wall, to the left of the Pearly Gates. He made quite a magnificent sight with the son behind him. And then, as you probably heard - “ZROINGGGG!”
Everything is rather quiet now apart from the odd snippets of the heavenly choir, wafting over the wall.
I think we could be in for a long wait!”